Dre Might Side with Rapunzel, but she Probably had Lice...

Dear EJ, and any other self-proclaimed ‘strong, independent woman’ seeking luck in love,

I am certainly crossing into Dre’s territory by responding, but every metaphoric tunnel deserves its glimmer of hope, don’t you think? Will my response get you laid? Unlock the door to romance? Probably not. But it’s another perspective, and as love is undoubtedly the oldest survivor of any human race, I will obey proper ‘etiquette’ and give her the respect she deserves.

Strength, success and intelligence. I agree with Dre that these elements are not necessarily intimidating—they are scarier than that. They level the playing field, and challenge the very core of masculinity on which human relations was founded. Man—the hunter, the provider. It is HIStory, after all. And in the ages of human existence, it was not until recently that woman obtained her voice and broke the barrier of gender roles that drove men to hang up their loin cloths (except for modified European versions of course) to accept a working version of ‘equality.”

But somewhere in the midst of shaking up the gender caste system, these (we) “independent romantics” burned our bras, donned our ‘powersuits,’ yet never stopped looking over our shoulder for our man on the stallion. Problem is, some other ‘strong, intelligent’ but jaded woman already kicked his horse in the balls, removed his reigns, told him his sword wasn’t hard enough and turned him into a knight in shining Armani. Somewhere, in the midst of it all, the rise of feminism fucked with Love.

So here is your light as promised, delivered with utter honesty as I am speaking as much for my own heart as I am for yours. One day I hope that man embarking on a new relationship will see that a woman who “Wants” to be with him is more rewarding than a woman who “Needs” to be with him. “Need” fills a void, is a necessity, and cannot be compromised. “Want” involves desire, emotion and free choice. I need a job, but I want a career. I need to drink water, but I want a glass of champagne. I “need” to find a mate and procreate, but I “want” to find my equal who will love me as much as I will love him.

And eventually, if Mr. Nuevo-Masculine and you, Miss Independent, give each other a chance, something amazing will happen. Without planning it, without the ‘damsel in distress moment,” you will suddenly realize you DO need him, just as much as he needs you. Why? Because need and want suddenly become synonymous with love, and love doesn’t give a shit about your gender, the shirt he wears, the expensive dinners he takes you on, or who saved who first.

So after much ado, and after cutting my Rapunzel-esque locks to a non “let down-able” length, I have yet to give up hope that there is someone out there willing to believe in true love versus “need fulfillment.” So EJ, Hang in there- I might have a bad case of tunnelvision, but I do believe that the light is worth the wait.

Points on proper winter dressing

Ok people, as cold as it may be outside, we have to hold ourselves to some standards people. This "nose warmer" I found on Etsy today while shopping for a scarf caught my attention. While violence is not normally acceptable, I think we can make an exception since this looks very much like a target. Quite possibly the wearer of this contraption is looking for a blow to the nose to clear up their sinuses. Honestly it looks like she took her thong and stuck it on her head, my lord, this world is going to hell. What happened to self respect and dignity, you can't go walking around with underwear on your head. "Hey, are you wearing a thong on your head?", "No, it's a nose warmer!" no matter what you tell anyone, they are gonna think your daft ass is wearing underwear on your head. I'm coming to a lose for words here, this is quite possibly the stupidest thing I have seen all year, and trust me I see a lot of stupid things. I want to recommend the manufacturer of this fine piece of apparel thinks twice about their career in fashion, I don't think it's gonna quite work out the way you were expecting. I still can't believe they got actual people to pose with a thong on their face and a bunch of them at that. It even comes with a manual, I would gather it's a big illustration of someone's bottom and the nosewarmer with a big red X through it next to a picture of someone's face and the nosewarmer with a big green check mark. Maybe I should go get high and look at this again, actually no, this is horrible. The older guy is particularly creepy, it looks like he's wearing a little girls underwear on his face, I think I saw him on Dateline. Someone call the damn cops!

-Dre

"When the last tree is cut..."

Money. The root of all evil or the key to a stress free existence? Who cares and why am I digging this deep on my first post to a blog dedicated to miscellany? Truth is, a recent bout of unemployment (yes, due to the recession) has me pondering life, liberty and the pursuit of (you guessed it) happiness. I am one of many, recently plopped into the street on a blustery day, gripping a bamboo plant and a fistful of Italian paperclips, pondering whether to frantically log into my Linked In account and renew old relationships, or stop to consider that there may be more to life than ACT notes and arduous conversation over chopped salad and unremarkable pizza.

Four years ago, I was a bright college graduate, headed for an exceptional future and looking for a way to rent the quaint yellow house (on some of the most coveted land Long Island has to offer) that was utterly perfect for EB and I to start our grown up lives. A job selling classified ads for techie trade mags was not glamorous, nor relevant to my degree (journalism), but it was a beginning, MY beginning, and I loved every moment of it. Little did I know that slowly my love of learning and thirst for living life to the fullest would slowly dissipate with each and every "cold call" and "Pot Luck" lunch. Gradually, a thriving collegiate environment is replaced with the dull hum of fluorescent lighting, late night cram sessions over nachos and beer turn into weekly sales meetings designed to inflate one persons ego and diminish eight or ten others. Three high profile magazine companies later, the pot luck transformed into sushi and a stunning view of Central Park. Just as Cinderella's carriage turned back into a pumpkin, this glammed up world was nothing more than a thinly veiled playground of insecurity and power, a deadly combination. Suddenly, a budding career evaporates in a cloud of BXM2 dust. But a new chance for integrity resurfaces, and the hope of finding fulfilling work returns with a vengeance.

In a world where we are overdue for a Yellowstone "Super volcanic Eruption" by 600,000 + years, where economic and natural disasters abound, and the end of the Mayan calendar (and supposedly the world) looms close on the horizon, is money itself enough of a reason to give up one's essence? I'm no longer drinking the Kool Aid.

As the Bhutanese say:

When the last tree is cut,
When the last river is emptied,
When the last fish is caught,
Only then will man realize that he can not eat money.

Discuss.

- KJ

CLICK HERE TO ASK QUESTIONS, COMMENT, COMPLAIN, MOAN, WRITE A LOVE LETTER OR SIMPLY PUT YOUR NOSE IN OUR BUSINESS

Listen Up!

An attempted list from top to bottom.  Enjoy:

Jack Pierson "Roses"

The Best Chocolate Mousse in New York

2 Packs a Day

My addiction to an old classic that looks like crap, tastes like magic

My mom and I would sneak out for midnight hot dogs at this Chicago staple

A Dirty Jersey tribute that makes every "Getting Ready" playlist 

Go to this spot, drink an Elixir #5 cocktail, get laid

My favorite website for a little French fashion flair

Love this movie; Karaoke-perfect theme song is an added, catchy bonus

Obsessed with this SNL skit

SNl Takes on the Lawrence Welk Show...Brilliant

I'm no Doctor, but if I was I'd be on my yacht right now with 30 women that need saving

Dear Dr. Dre,
I must say that you both look and sound (based on your above answer) like someone who quite simply, cuts through the BS. Therefore, I am going to ask you one of the oldest and most cliched questions that has haunted women for ages and hope for (finally) a straight and honest answer. Are men threatened by intelligent, strong, and successful women? I hear time and time again that is what every man wants, but over and over see the opposite-with beautiful, intelligent friends who seem to have zero luck. Do men really just want a woman they can take care of?

Look forward to your insight-EJ 

Dearest EJ,

 I will start with a simple disclaimer that I am not a Dr. and if you are seeking medical attention you should do it offline. Secondly, I will point out that it this is an etiquette column not a relationship one, and it is not proper etiquette to throw your personal issues out into the open, I know in this world of reality TV every one thinks it's OK, but it does not change the fact that it is not! But since you threw yourself out there, and luckily for you I do know quite a few things here is your answer.

 Men are NOT threatened by strong, successful women. The problem lies in that a strong, successful woman does not fill a man's natural paternal instincts to provide for someone. In essence, in a relationship of equals a man will not feel like a man because he is technically not needed. Men want a damsel in distress because it fulfills our natural instincts. "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair. So I can get into your underwear!" - Beastie Boys

 And the same kicks back for women. Women need their maternal instinct to nurture fulfilled as well. Which is why you ladies love a project man, one you can dress up the way you like, change his hair cut, his friends etc. Women like an established man with class and style at first, because they think eventually they will be able to change him, but after realizing they won't they get bored and move on because their maternal needs are not being fulfilled.

 With that said, I wish you the best of luck. And I will leave you with a simple reminder that just because celebrities and wanna bees air out their personal issues in public does not mean that it is ok. Money and fame can not buy manners.

Stay classy.

-Dre

Communicate People!

Shocker. We can't read your minds and Dre has too much time on his hands, so do your part and send tips, ideas, questions, and topics that tickle your fancy excluding Crocs and Twilight (fucking ugly and overdiscussed, respectively) to ASK DRE

An Introduction to "Fabulosity" by KZ

Being that EB and KJ are two of the finest writers I have ever met, contributing to their site causes both excitement and trepidation. Therefore, it is with complete honesty and candor that I forewarn any readers that this weekly column will likely offer no insight, laughs, or wisdom. However, if one is looking for a new alternative to facebook, myspace, or any other brainless site seemingly made with the goal to kill time and ease the pain of the weekly grind, then you may have come to right place.

Being a single twenty-something in the city, the first topic that first sprang to mind was men, or in this case, “MEN-hattenites.” However, I found the topic overly reminiscent of Carrie Bradshaw and decided to pass for various reasons:

1) Carrie had much more experience than I ever had (I have yet to have a politician ask me to pee on him). Sadly, most of my encounters with the opposite sex are about as exciting as watching paint dry.
2) Carrie is infinitely wittier and cooler than I am. Her wardrobe and Blahnik collection alone are enough to make most women bow down in awe and her puns simply cannot be beat (“…checked more single woman boxes than her gynecologist”)
3) It’s already been done-and done well (why try to redo and revamp the best of the best-You’ll just end up looking like an ass)

That’s not to say that there won’t be the occasional man, sex, or related topic (because I am a woman and it’s just inevitable), but as a whole, this column will be an overview of life and ALL of the aspects that make it so damn fun. While it may not always focus on the important topics of Obama versus Bush, Global Warming, etc., it will comment on simple pleasures (or things that just piss me off) and everyday nuances that make us laugh, cry, and ask” what the hell were they thinking” (aka: The creator of Snuggies).

Dear Dre

Editors Note: We are pleased to welcome Dre as our contributing advice columnist.  As the global cassanova of cool, Dre expertly navigates between the worlds of professionalism and profanity, lending his health and human relations expertise to provide non-FDA approved A's to your Q's. 

Dear Dre,

I spent the summer in Europe and now I like eating European style and not switch the fork back and forth after cutting my meat. However, my mother tells me that since I'm back in the U.S., I should eat American style. What do you think?

Signed,
European Preference

Dear European Preference,

 The American style of eating is simply a waste of time and is quite silly. I would like to equate it to wiping your ass with your right hand and then switching the toilet paper to your left hand before dropping it in the toilet. It just doesn't make sense. Imagine doing anything where you had to switch your hands in the middle of a process for no reason what so ever, people would think you might be a little special! So my advice is to stick with the European eating style, and while you are at it stick with a lot of European style things, with one exception, SPEEDOS!

Dre

KJ Purchases a Snuggie™ & a Pointless Blog is Born

So I have been trying to figure out a smart, witty approach to kicking off this blog, and have come to two conclusions: 1.) Do not try to be smart, you end up sounding like a self-important snob and 2.) Do not try to be witty, you end up sounding like a self-important snob.  Truth is, there is no real purpose behind this project aside from the fact that we (KJ and myself)  have been talking about a writing collaboration for quite some time, but faced an unexpected 4-year roadblock (I will eventually explain).  And who knew that after 4-years of sharing sporadic "We Must Write!" conversations over spinach and feta omelettes, the barrier would be broken once KJ announced on Facebook that she is the proud owner of a Snuggie™.

Who shot J.R.? Why Snuggie™?  I have no clue, nor do I care.  Maybe it was the hope that the "Super-slim, totally portable Book Light" was indeed her gift with purchase, providing proper illumination for sleepless nights of blog contribution.  Or maybe it was the hope that if such a laughably ridiculous item is actually thriving during a time of economic demise, maybe--just maybe--accounts of our laughably ridiculous antics may also be well received.

So welcome to our blog: a little bit of this, a little bit of that (translation, a little bit of everything about nothing) anecdotes, observations, reflections and more, best enjoyed with a sense of humor and no expectations.  

And FYI- Snuggie™ this is not your moment to turn the aforementioned self important snob, as you are nothing more than the comfortable offspring of a poncho and airplane-blanket; In my opinion, KJ should have donned a sweatshirt and opted for the Magic Bullet.

Enjoy.